a thousand words

Photo 1

Photos on a card or social media can make you look perfect. It can make a family look perfect. 

A photo is worth a thousand words but the words that are missing here are plenty.

On October 13, I passed out while holding Lucy in my arms. We both ended up on the ground somehow- no one but Olivia was around and all she could tell me was, “mommy fall down”. We took an ambulance ride to the emergency room. Everything seemed to check out for the both of us and that was that. I was told to follow up with my internist, and being the obedient person that I am, I went. Several tests, appointments, second opinions, and thousands of dollars later, we seem to now be dealing with 2 separate issues. Possible partial seizures- maybe the cause of my episode and an incidental finding of a baby aneurysm. 

A lot of emotions, a lot of medical jargon, a lot of unknown. 

I’ve been sinking into a quiet dark place. But I’m calling it out now. I am refusing to let this pull me under. Because there’s a blessed life to live. There are two amazing girls who need me to be the best mom I can be. There is the most giving best friend and hubs who needs me. There are goals, ambitions, plans. There are the everyday seemingly small but big tasks; there are kisses to give, there are butts to wipe, first words and steps to witness, there are the I love you’s to say and receive. There are races to run, homeless people to see, hear, and touch. There is a God to thank and believe. 

So, I’m calling this darkness out. 

So, pray. Pray for my second opinion appointment this afternoon in regards to my teeny tiny aneurysm. Pray that I can get it clipped without open surgery. Pray that I stay above water. And pray that I remain full of faith in the face of my worst nightmares.

 

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2 thoughts on “a thousand words

  1. Alice, you have all the prayers you need from me. This is so upsetting and I have tears in my eyes that you have suffered alone thus far. No need. So glad you reached out. You will find a path to a good place again. Maybe not where you want to be, maybe even better. keep your faith in yourself and your hopes…I’ve dealt with so many disasters..they do get better and you are a new person afterward. wiser and changed. trust that your path is leading you to a place where you can be glad again. Hug for you. Possibly the baby aneurysm discovery was one of the good things that arrived with this. I’m sure it’s all scary..nothing like this is ever a cakewalk. You have a wonderful family for support. Don’t be afraid to let them help you…moms almost always feel the weight of the world on their shoulders and being less abled it frustrating your need to be that mom. Learn that you have support and they learn how to support…and become better for it. Lessons for all. Not meaning to reduce your issues to lessons but there are a part of it. I’m sure it’s terrifying at times. Continue to reach out. You have a lot of friends who can help. Wish I had magic words to help you. When I was at my most ill, I imagined I was laying in God’s hands and gave up my will to him. I felt comforted and less afraid on those moments. There were also times when I felt God had abandoned me at those scary times. God is there, but only as much as you ask for. Free will is our choice. Ask for help and let the universe know what you want. It may come in a different form that you require but ultimately I’ve found that my requests are answered.

  2. Alice, I am cheering you on from Zambia! Pour your heart out at all times to God, he is our Refuge and Strength…let yourself collapse and be weak when you need to, and know you are surrounded by tons of prayers and love from so many! Including us here in Africa! Much much love, Andrea + Daniel, Josiah, Ella, Zuri + Zion

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